DOOMED FROM THE START
by Chris Dawdle
the Bristol Evening Post Green'Un)
After the excitement of curry night at the Fleur de Lys before last year's Elkfest, we were all looking forward to some cracking entertainment from the Lodge Porter. It was not to be, however, and a thoroughly average time was had by all. The highlight of the night was a suberbly taken penalty by Lapu Mitchell sending the waitress the wrong way by changing his order from Gammon to Ham. I am also tempted to mention some great dribbling skills at the table, but I won't.
Division 3 Encounter
This was no Premiership clash, but at least the players gave their all. It has to be said that the pitch looked in immaculate condition despite the heavy rain of the previous few days. Much of the credit must go to the ground staff at the Lodge, and especially the use of the controversial new non-sliding roof which despite a few leaks kept the playing surface remarkably dry.
The match kicked off with the usual punt up field by the Lodge Porter, who it seems was coping rather well in his role of player/manager. Then followed a scrappy period of play, with the odd nice quote from the Master of Ceremonies, Plau Mitchell, and a couple of polished cabaret acts from the prof. and a strange westcountryman who insisted in talking in rhyme about Nottingham for some bizarre reason. I'm sure the prof. came back later to give us more of the same, or was that just because he was talking about the nature of time?
After a fairly non-eventful end to the first half only interrupted with a few injuries to those attempting to bop along to the previously recorded music, it was time for the half-time drinks. These proved most welcome, the IPA being up to it's usual standard, but were the main cause of a delay to the start of the second half. Nevertheless, the remains of Crimson Shadow did take to the stage and this tactical substitution worked a treat. The team rattled in no less than 13 songs, which I believe is a record (fortunately no CD will be available). Highlights for me were undoubtedly a faultless "Starless", a fretful "Little Time" and the argumentative "We don't get a long socially". As ever, the band were supplemented in their encore with that doyen of the maracas, Pris Cheescake, who despite suffering from a suspected hairline crack was performing at his peak.
As the game entered the last quarter, there was much shuffling of positions, to no great effect one must say. Although there were a few moments when you thought another goal was coming, it just didn't materialise. I'm sorry I haven't a clue want really happened in that period, but I did expect more, especially when the crowd really got into singing "Nellie the Elephant". And as to what Mornington Crescent has to do with anything ....
So we were all relieved at the final whistle when the Lodge Porter announced that both teams had scored and he was off with Samantha to help her with her tallboy. The after match food went down well with everyone whilst one of the band members carried on with his performance in the corner.
The return leg of this intriguing encounter takes place on August 11th and with the tie balanced so delicately around the elk's neck, I am looking forward to seeing just what can be done with cardboard, sticky tape and string.
This report of Winter Elkfest 2001 was reproduced in full from the Widdington Evening Moose by grovelling to the editor and promising him a half a pound of jelly babies.